You Kiss me, I Kill You
by firevithral
Summary: Is the world about romance and cheesy fics involving Legolas? No. This is more realistic. Meet Aaralyna, a venomancer, one of the most loathed and envied races. Then she drops into Mirkwood. Charm and love from everyone? I think not.
1. Prologue

**Hello, everyone.**

**Please, read this first. Allow me to explain a few things. The first thing is that you will most likely not understand this chapter. After this I will stop talking about clerics and low-levelers and such. No, I am not a D&D nerd. I don't usually do stuff like that. But there's this one that caught my eye. Aaralyna is a venomancer. That means she is able to summon creatures and is also deadly in a fight. This story is probably not what you think. She will definitely not be a Mary-Sue or anything close to one :)**

**(You may skip this.) I wrote this because of another story which I deleted. It was so unreal, so cheesy, so terrible. I wrote it as a test, actually. Now I would like to demonstrate a true romance story. It's not like Twilight. It's not like the Hunger Games. It's not even in the air of Romance. It is what I think would really happen, if a girl were to come into Middle Earth to meet Prince Legolas of Mirkwood. If you don't like it, please don't read it. If you leave a flame, it will be ignored. Constructive criticism is welcome. However, it if is "constructive" and it really isn't, it's just a way to tell me that you want early smooching and other disgusting stuff, please don't read this. That's it. Thanks for reading.**

'Come on, Rudolph.' I sighed. What was wrong with this puppy? I had paid twenty grand for him, and this is what I got? A little blur of gold fur chasing its own tail? I mean, how stupid is that? I didn't even do that. Not that I had a tail, but still. All the other venomancers I knew who had tails didn't chase them (obviously the ones with the rabbit tails _couldn't_ chase them, but you know what I mean).

'Aara?' I glanced up, their voice reminding me of my dreary task. The low-levelers. I had taken upon myself the honourable task of leading them through their coming of age dungeon thingy-ma-bobber. After this they would be free to make their own living in Archosoar or wherever without their races' leader spoon-feeding them every step of the way.

'Aara?' They repeated. I looked around. Aara was probably one of their friends. Well, she had better hurry up, we were leaving, and I was tired of waiting for that cleric. We already had one, of course. Not for me, (duh) but for the low-levelers when they died.

o0O0o

'Aaralyna?' I turned around. That was my name. I think it mean "friend of the animals" or something like that. I'm not sure. Rudolph finished disemboweling whatever nasty creature he had been nipping at and bumped into me, letting me know that he knew me well enough to recognize my name when someone said it. I nodded at the archer. 'Yes?'

'What do I do?'

'Stay behind and don't die.' It may not sound like much, but seriously, it gets really annoying when you give specific instructions to someone, then they disobey them, die, and then blame it on you.

He pouted. 'But—'

'No buts,' I interrupted. 'Listen, kid, you wanna live, right? Plus, the cleric's already drained out because she was fighting when I told her not too. So stay at the back, understand?'

He gave a grunt of annoyance but grudgingly slipped behind. The cleric protested to being called just "the cleric" but what the hell. I had known too many clerics to count. I didn't have time for names. Maybe this was the Aara that everyone constantly called on. No wonder they were kept repeating it, then. The cleric barely spoke, let alone answered to them. Not that I blame her. I wouldn't have, either.

Rudolph gave a yelp and then started attacking the monsters around the giant scorpion at my command. The low-lever's eyes were huge, taking in the sight of all the enemies. I let them gape for about five seconds, then ordered them to stop goggling and start attacking. So they did.

Finally we finished them off. Well,_ I_ finished them off. The low-levelers just stood there and tried to attack feebly. I had sent Rudolf to help and, quite frankly, he was doing a lot more damage than they were. So let me rephrase once more; Rudolph and I finished them off.

I finally faced the giant scorpion and sighed. He was slightly over-sized, sure, (his head was about nine feet off the ground, and that's not counting his tail) but he hadn't attacked us during this whole pathetic little fight. Well, it was their growing-up ritual, and I had to do what I had to do.

'Don't attack until I tell you to,' I told the low-levelers. This was surprisingly mild, coming from me. Usually I just went with the "don't die" rule. Oh well, there's a first time for everything.

I sent Rudolph to bite the scorpion, then I leisurely started attacking. I also started humming a song. Things were going well. I was having a good day. In fact, I was so relaxed that I almost forgot to tell the low-levelers to attack. Not that they needed to to help me, it's just that I wanted to make them feel involved.

We finished him off quickly. I breathed a sigh of relief that we had only had about two deaths throughout this whole thing, acknowledged their thank-yous, and teleported out.

That's when it all went wrong.

o0O0o

I woke up to a pounding in my head. What had happened? Then I remembered. The spell… someone had messed with the teleportation spell. Now I ended up here… except… where was here? I tried to get up but couldn't. The pounding in my head increased. The last thing I remember was feeling stupid for not realizing who "Aara" was. Then I blacked out.


	2. Intruder in the Woods

Chapter 1: "Intruder" in the Woods

**Disclaimer: I'm only saying this once. This is not a threat. I will genuinely forget. I don't own anything. Not even Aaralyna. Seriously, I told you she's my character in a video game. Just the names of my characters.**

**By the way, all the details about how Thranduil would react to her is quite accurate. And so is the fact that Wood elves do indeed use small magic. It's in the Hobbit. So there.**

* * *

><p>'Who are you? Speak!'<p>

I opened my eyes slowly. Or should I say, I_ tried_ to open my eyes. My eyelids felt like lead glued to my skin.

Someone jerked my arm roughly. My eyes shot open immediately and I sprang up, summoning Rudolph silently. He appeared by my side and started running around in circles, trampling my new purple boots. Phooey.

All this happened in around two seconds. Now I looked around at my surroundings. I was in a forest. Okay… that wasn't that weird… this obviously wasn't the City of the Plume but I could find my way. The only weird thing was the fact that many elves surrounding me, looking quite angry (This further proved that I was around Plume: City of the Winged Elves). It was not the fact that they were elves, but the expression on their faces. Cold, steely blue and green eyes glared at me. I raised an eyebrow to them. Obviously they were new; otherwise they should be welcoming a powerful warrior such as myself. They were probably all deep in the stereotype of venomancers: powerful, lazy, cunning seductresses. Now, I wouldn't say that I was cunning or a seductress, and I don't like boasting about my powers. Seriously, people should go out more.

The guards were staring at my puppy. I glanced down at him myself. He had probably gathered that the guards were not a threat, and was contentedly snoozing on my feet.

The guard who held my arm jerked it one more time. I wrenched it out of his grasp. 'Cut it out!' I said angrily. The guard's eyes hardened and he pressed his mouth in a stern line. He was quite handsome; all of them were, albeit their strange blond hair braided back in an odd fashion. They had a strange grace to them, you could sense it even when they were not moving. This was another odd thing about them. There was something else, some distinguishing feature, but I hadn't been to Plume in a long time and couldn't tell.

'Who are you and business do you have here?'

I raised an eyebrow. 'I am who I am and my business is my own.'

He glared at me. 'You are a sorceress, one who communes with demon gods. Answer me, I am giving you one last chance before we arrest you.'

One who communes with demon gods? What the hell? What did he mean by that? Yes, sure I had just summoned what I think was a beagle/lab mix puppy, and I had pink antlers protruding from my head, and I was wearing purple "armour" that, let's admit, was slightly more revealing than I would like. But still, it was a harsh assumption to make!

'Well, that's nice,' I muttered. Rudolph got bored, jumped up and started chasing his tail. I un-summoned him.

'I ask you once again, who are you? State our business, woman!'

I started summoning Wolfie (don't be fooled by the name; along with his spikes, he's almost six feet tall.). 'My business is my own! Leave me alone!'

Suddenly, bows were in all of their hands. Big, long bows, supple and strong, pointing arrows in my face. My eyes widened a little. Wow, these elves were not friendly. Luckily, Wolfie appeared at the moment. A few bows dropped and I almost smiled at the expression of fear on some of their faces. Wolfie was a Snakevalley Bloodwolf, a huge bluish-grey canine creature with a pointed red mane, red claws and sharp red spikes running along the two sides of his back. His veins ran over his forearms onto his chest. He was actually quite friendly, but unfortunately people kept forgetting the "Don't judge a book by its cover" thing.

Wolfie glanced at the elves, then back to me. He whined.

'What?' I snapped.

He looked at me, and I could have his eyes said that he thought I was going on a killer rampage against nice, completely harmless pointy-eared nature freaks.

Great.

I sighed. The elves had recovered and were now glaring at me with renewed fervour (no matter how weird that sentence sounds.). One of them whispered something to their leader (the one who had yelled at me) in what sounded like some form of Elvish. He frowned and said something back to them, sounding slightly angry. The first one glanced at me at what might almost be translated as a pitying expression, then tried to reason with the leader again. He shook his head, and pretty soon they had a full-blown argument starting up.

I yawned and sat down on the one spot on Wolfie's back that wouldn't impale me. I examined my shoes, relieved that Rudolph hadn't peed on them. After a while I got bored, as I tend to do (a lot) and decided to break up the argument the boys were having, if only to tell them to speak a language which everyone could understand. Around that time, one of the other guards seemed to come to the same conclusion as I and spoke up.

'Calanon!'

The leader turned, looking at him in mild annoyance.

He started to speak in Elvish, so I tapped him on the shoulder, pointed to my mouth and mouthed: 'My language." He understood and continued to speak.

'…lady, for she is most likely scared and acting in defense of her own safety, Sir.'

'Wait, what?' I said indignantly. They ignored me.

The leader sighed and then replied in Elvish. Apparently he did not want to honour my rule. Finally, he turned to me, ran a hand through his hair and said, 'Forgive me my lady, we did not mean to frighten you. We simply want to know…' here his eyes glinted dangerously '… who you are, why you are here, and how you apparently came to summon that hellhound. Perhaps we were mistaken and the abominable beast is not yours?'

I glared at him, standing up. I could feel a power flooding through to my hand, a feeling I knew well. If I let it out, this man would be blasted by a highly dangerous, poisonous green essence. I took a deep breath, willing myself to concentrate on not demolishing his pretty-boy Elvish face. Our trainer had always told me that I got too close to my pets, that I was much too overprotective. They were battle pets and nothing more. But they were still mine, and there was no way I was just going to let this pansy-elf get away with insulting them.

'Watch your words, elf,' I growled. I would be more terrified in front of a five-year-old than you, and if you insult my wolf one more time, I'm gonna show you just how much damage this "hellhound" can do.'

His eyes narrowed at me. 'Watch it, _mortal,_' he responded coldly. 'I would have thought even a human woman such as yourself would have better judgment than to cross blades and words with one of the Firstborn.'

I was still angry, but his words confused me. One of the _what?_ And why did he call me mortal? What did he expect me to be then? Was he so much greater? And the way he said human… which brings me to the point; he thought I was a human? Hello? Notice the antlers? The giant polearm on my back?

Uh oh.

My weapon! It was gone! I felt like an idiot for just noticing that now. No, not an idiot. An ignorant, imbecilic, knuckleheaded chowder-head. I wanted to scream in frustration. What was I without my weapon? Were my spells as powerful? No. Could I fight? Not at all.

Well, Wolfie could.

But did I really want to harm a bunch of innocent, impudent, pompous elves? Hmm… maybe. But I suppose that was besides the point. We _were _surrounded, and I was probably just in a bad mood. Hey, it wasn't my fault; my weapon was gone and this stupid elf had decided to get all angry native on me. Maybe, for once in my life, I should shut my big mouth and go along peacefully?

…

Nah.

The leader, smug at my silence and whose name I know knew as Calanon, took advantage of my mentally and physically disabled state and told his posse to tie my up. At least that's what I assumed he had told him, because they suddenly all turned on me and, trying to make as little eye contact with Wolfie as they could (which was not hard, considering he was practically cross-eyed), proceeded to bind my hands. I scowled. 'You won't get away with this!' I threatened, trying and failing to shake a fist at them. Wolfie looked at me curiously. 'I lost my polearm,' I whispered to him. He kept staring at me. Grr. Stupid wolf. Some people don't understand that when you lose your weapon, you are so eternally shamed and basking in your own self-pity that you tend to not notice when people start to tie you up. Or maybe I'm just extremely unobservant. Heh, probably the latter.

'Just to make sure, you boys _are _carrying me, right?'

No answer. They started walking. Wolfie gave me one last _you're a moron _look and trudged after them. I _humphed _and then followed.

~O~o~O~

The soldier who had called me a weak and helpless damsel in distress earlier tossed a chunk of dried meat at me. 'Eat,' he said.

'My hands are tied, genious,' I grumbled. My legs ached like hell. I had no idea why these elves seemed to have such a long stamina. Didn't they have wings? Didn't they know that I had some sort of means of air travel? They should. They should study more at school, too.

He reached over and untied my hands. 'My name is Feredir.'

I nodded absentmindedly. 'Nice to know.'

He looked at me expectantly. I blinked. 'Oh, me? Aaralyna.'

He nodded. ''Tis a lovely name,' he said politely.

'Really? I think it's the weirdest name I've ever heard, but if you say so, buddy.'

He looked a bit confused, but chose to ignore my comment.

'I mean, my friend's name is LuLu.'

He gave me a strange look, but decided to say nothing about that one as well. We sat in awkward silence for a moment.

'So, what does your name mean?' I ventured. I got another odd look, but he answered my question. 'Hunter,' he said. Remembering something, he quickly added, 'Yours?'

'I have no idea.' I yawned. 'Well, thanks for the jerky, Hunter. I'm still starving, but that's besides the point. Nighty-night.' I cuddled against the rock I was leaning on, which was a bit difficult considering that it was a rock, but I managed.

He turned to me. 'The Elven people are not a harsh folk, my lady,' he said softly. 'We are only wary of the evils in this world, particularly the ones growing around Mirkwood at this time. I am sure that under any other circumstances, Calanon would have welcomed you. Speaking harshly and out of your place as you did, however, I—'

'Out of my place?' I murmured sleepily. 'Ha. And…' I jerked my thumb at myself. 'Venomancer. Used to it.'

He frowned. 'I am sorry?'

'And Mirkwood? The hell? Aren't we in Plume? Oh, whatever. We can deal with that in the morning. Mebbe you just lost your wings.' I was talking nonsense now, as I tended to do when I got tired. My eyes slowly drifted shut.

'Pardon me, my lady… but what do you speak of? Where is this Plume? Is that your home?'

'My home?' I opened one eye. 'Firstly, I gotta go to sleep now, so please stop bugging me, I had a bad day. Secondly, no. I don't go prancing around with wings behind my ears, showing off my terrible archery skills.' I processed what my half-asleep mind had just revealed to me and my eyes widened. 'What a sec, you don't have wings!'

He nodded slowly, looking at me as I if I were crazy. 'Perhaps that is why you spoke up,' he suggested. 'Did you hit your head, my lady?'

'What? No.'

He blinked, obviously not believing me. 'Very well. We shall see you in the morning, Aaralyna.' And with that, he left.

The last thing I remember hearing was hushed whispering of the elves, and then someone was singing and my mind closed on me.

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><p><strong>That's all for now. I was thinking of making it a teensy bit longer, but that was a good ending. Review please! No reviews, no updates, Jojo. See y'all, and remember to review!<strong>

**PS: Links to pics are on my profile. Copy and paste into browser, since the link thingy is, like, broken again. Don't know how I got it to work in the first place.**

**PPS: I fixed the poll thing.  
><strong>


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